Shingles All The Way, Not to be confused with Jingle all the way...

So about six weeks ago I walk in to the doctors office with what I would like to call "The Rash of all Rashes", so I thought and so the doctors not so sure. Well where do I begin. Like all great doctors appointment stories, they begin in a place that I like to refer to as, The place where all your nightmares come true. A place that the Army likes to refer to as "The Great Place" here in good ole' Killeen, Texas. Known also as Fort Hood. The largest Military instillation in the United States. Yea, that's another story for a another time.

OK, so back to the story. So I go to my appointment and see a P.A. (AKA, Physicians Assistant) that I will refer to as "P.A., dermatitis", this is because after she examines me, she tells me that I have a mild case of Dermatitis. At this point I only had three rash areas. So she gives me some cream and tells me to come back when it gets worse. So I use the cream and it gets worse. So what do I do? I make another appointment.

So I go in to my 2nd appointment over this rash, that has now multiplied and I have have to see a doctor that I will refer to as "Captain Fungal". And this is because this Army Captain has not only tried convincing me but has convinced himself, that this rash is fungal. So he gives me some new cream, some antibiotics and a new RX for an EpiPen in the event of having an allergic reaction seeing I tend to be allergic to just about anything and everything. I am sure your dying to know what happens. Well the rash gets worse and I end up having an allergic reaction to the antibiotics. This was after I told, "Captain Fungal" that he should speak with my primary care doctor first. Well he didn't and I paid the price.

 

 This time I make an appointment with my primary doctor that I thank God for everyday. Not only for being my doctor even though I am a pain in the ass but also because he is a great doctor, which is hard to find in the military. This doctor we will refer to as Lt. "Big" C, well that's the name I gave him because he needed a cool name and I am great at giving people names, obviously! So he takes a looksie look and he is also kind of not too sure what is going on but he is hell bent on finding out. So he goes and finds us a dermatologist that we will refer to as "Major Inflamed hair Follicle", oh yes he did. Seriously, just because you are a doctor doesn't mean you have to try and use big terms to impress me. I think what he meant to say was that he thinks I have an ingrown hair. Well I can kinda understand that but obviously I don't have twelve at one time. So, "Major Inflamed hair Follicle" leaves the room. Lt. "Big" C, looks at me and already knows what is about to come out of my mouth. So we have a nice chat, he gives me a different cream and some antibiotics. Well surprise, surprise, it just ain't working.

So now I am in so much pain, I'm itching everywhere and there doesn't seem to be any immediate help or relief in sight. Great, Awesome, Swell! So I go about another week with the creepy itchies and this makes about week four by now. I am not getting any happier and I am sure the staff at the doctor's office is growing less and less happier to see me, more than usual. Ha Ha, well that's on them. Not my problem they don't like me and well to be honest, I don't like them.

Now I am at my fourth appointment but this time with the doctor that I would like to refer to as "Captain Stupid", believe me, the name fits. "Captain Stupid", flat out actually tells me that he just does not know. So he takes his creepy self down the hallway to go speak with an alleged "Allergen" doctor. I use the word alleged because well I never actually saw him, so I am not sure if he is real or not. So I tell "Captain Stupid" that he needs to figure something out because I am losing my mind and about ready to throw myself out a window. BAD IDEA on my part I will admit. So now "Captain Stupid" thinks I am suicidal and thinks that I should be locked up on the crazy floor. Granted I always talk about how I need a vacation there doesn't really mean that I want to go there. So now I have to talk this dude down before I get locked up on the 5th floor. I do it of coarse, please if I know anything, it is how to keep these doctors scared of me.

It is now my pleasure to announce that I get an appointment with my one and only, Lt."Big" C, now that he has decided to return from the vacation that I do not remember him asking me permission for. I am just saying, it would be nice to get a heads up when you plan on leaving me alone with stupid doctors. Granted I am sure he needed the break after dealing with me while I was one of his inpatient patients after having a recent surgery. So this is now my fifth appointment over this rash that has got way out of control and at this point I am thinking that if this rash does not get dealt with and fast, I will be needing a trip up to the 5th floor.

So "Lt. "Big" C, has me come in as a walk in patient and by now he knows that the word on the street is, that there is a very ITCHY Mechelle Gonzales roaming the halls of the hospital, Filling out yellow ICE comment cards, all the while threatening the jobs of many people at Darnall Army Hospital. So I am pretty sure that he has prepared himself prior to walking through the door of my exam room. But I am not too sure that he was prepared for what he was about to see. Yes Yes Yes, it had got that bad. The first thing on Lt. "Big" C's face was kind of a WHOA MOMMA type expression. Which I am glad. Not that I was still itching my ass off but that he could see that this rash meant business.

So now Lt. "Big" C, means business. So now he needs to figure out what in the heck is going on with me. So he did what he does best. And that would be thinking outside the box. He thinks about all the possible things that I could have. All the medications I have already been treated with, that have failed miserably. And what could I have possibly been exposed to, that would give me something so itchy and something that burns so damn bad. Even though I don't really have the right symptoms, hell I don't really have anything that would suggest that I have none other than, The Shingles! But he was gonna go out on a limb and run some blood test and in the mean time treat me for Shingles!

 

So, again, now I have a new cream and new antibiotics. 4,000mg a day antibiotics. Yea, I was a bit nervous but Lt. "Big" C, had never let me down before, so I filled the prescriptions, went home and started popping antibiotics and rubbing myself from head to toe in this new cream. In less than two hours, I had never felt better. The next day, everything was gone. Not one sign on my body that I every had anything wrong with me. Well four days after seeing the good doctor and getting on the meds, Lt. "Big" C, give me a call today to see how I am doing and I reply, "PERFECT". Kudos to Lt. "Big" C. He did say that my lab work came back in and even though I never had the Chicken Pox and I wasn't over the age of 50, I did have the virus floating around in me. So, "The Shingles" it was and believe me, when you see the commercials on TV for the shingles, they arn't acting. It is really that painful. The burning is unreal and you really feel like you want to throw yourself out a window.