SHOW ME YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY AND

I'LL SHOW YOU YOUR FUTURE!

 

 



 

 

 

THE STRAND OF 3....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TO BE CONTINUED...



Sometimes we accept the love we think we deserve?

 

The Thing About LOVE....

 

Sometimes on days like today I wonder to myself as I sit here typing and listening to my husband play video games in the next room did my husband settle for less than what he deserves? He didn't exactly come from the most loving home and there were times after I met him that I wasn't even sure he knew what love really was? When sometimes you feel actual physical or emotional pain from love, is that really love? In what world does love hurt. I mean literally hurt?

Between dealing with multiple health issues, sometimes I wonder why my husband still sticks around, especially after a night like last night. Nights that used to happen only a couple times a year, these days its more like a couple times a week and it only seems to get worse. A couple medical issues that I have been dealing with the past few years is PLMD aka Periodic Limb Movement Disorder and Sleep Paralysis. Two of the most nasty medical issues that anyone should ever have to deal with especially a spouse. It's one thing for someone to have to deal with it and another for someone to be dragged into the middle of the chaos.

QUICK BREAKDOWN: PLMD- My legs twitch, jerk and kick during the night and recently it is now my arms. It is supposed to happen only during the first few hours of sleep but for me it last anywhere from 8-10 hours. SLEEP PARALYSIS- During the first few hours of sleep your head/mind wakes from sleep but your body doesn't. It can cause complete chaos for someone who doesn't know what is happening to them. I just recently found out what I was going through was called. It literally had me terrified to go to sleep. So I would stay up for days and wouldn't sleep until my body was finally so exhausted and it would just shut down.

Now back to the point of this blog. Last night was a bad night with my legs and at some point during the night I kneed my husband in the back and turns out I also kicked him in the back several more times during the night. Some wouldn't think this is a problem but for my husband it is. He has several back injuries that he suffered while in the Army. He is still in the Army only by the grace of God. Sometimes I wonder how he deals with the constant back pain and all the shots and injections just to be able to maintain.

I guess at some point I fell a sleep and forgot about torturing my husband during the night. It wasn't until this morning when he came in the room to kiss me goodbye as he does every morning before he heads off to work that I noticed something wasn't right. I could see in his eyes that he was in unbearable pain so I asked him what was wrong and he told me. As I laid there in the bed shocked, sad and in pain for the hurt that I caused him I watched him walked out of the room and as I heard the beeping on the door alerting me that our front door had be securely locked I picked up my phone still in disbelief that my husband was going to work when he could barely walk. I reluctantly called his center commander and insisted that he sends my prideful husband to the emergency room as soon as he walked though the doors of our local Army recruiting center.

I waited about thirty minutes and texted my husband to see if he was at the emergency room yet and he said that he was not going and that he was just going to ride it out for as long as he could. Men can sometimes be a stubborn bunch. I could have really done some real damage to his already existing back problems and I am not sure if he realized that. Realized that he is putting him self at risk by not seeking medical attention. If there was any new damage it would need to be documented not only for medical purposes but for the Army as well. Well after a lot of empty threats I finally got him to the emergency room and he is now sitting in his big comfy recliner resting his back and playing some video games. I am so happy that I didn't cause any new damage to his back. Just some bruising. At least he got the next three days off work to rest his back.

SO NOW I AM BACK TO THE TITLE: SOMETIMES WE ACCEPT THE LOVE WE THINK WE DESERVE.

Sometimes I wonder why my husband hasn't packed his bags and dipped out, between the medical issues and some other personal issues going on in our marriage how is it that he doesn't think that he deserves better. A better life. A better type of love. Someone who doesn't rely on him so much. For fuck's sake, Lord knows that I know he deserves so much better. He came from a life even I couldn't ever imagine and I grew up in a pretty crappy situation. Is it that we have been together for so long that it really isn't worth the trouble of starting over? Or does he really just not give a damn anymore and he is willing to just take what he can get? I don't want my husband to live like this forever. Its bad enough he has a job that takes up 80% of his time and then he has to come home to a wife who may or nay not beat him during the night in her sleep or wake up from being up but being a sleep at the same time but too terrified to go back to sleep.

I really hope that this is not what our lives were destined to be like. On one hand it kind of reminds me of The Chaos Theory but at the same time it doesn't since our situation doesn't involve all the math parts. I read somewhere in the chaos theory that the life we grew up with, will be the life we live. At least for me it hits the nail right on the head. Its a long story and a story for another day. I haven't blogged in a long while but it sure feels good to have the keyboard beneath my finger tips again.

I love my husband more than a person needs oxygen. He is probably the only person I have ever truly loved and will continue to love until the day I die. I couldn't imagine a world where he doesn't exist. But I am starting to think that after today/last night and all the other nights I put him through hell in my sleep, I am not sure that he can say the same about me. Yes someone can say the words LOVE but at the end of the day most think love is over rated and a word that is not correctly understood and over used.

So I sit here and wonder does he only love me because he thought that it was the only love he deserves or is it truly the once in a life time, mind blowing, life altering, cant live without and cant breath kind of love? I guess we will see the next time I decided to beat my husband in his sleep.

Thank for listening to my constant rambling. -Mechelle